Wishful Thinking

I thought I would start posting again once I got my shit together and sobered up--hmm, not happening. It's Feb-first and I realize that my new year is just starting today after a month of denying that I'm fat and worthless. I thought that by donning a faux-hawk I would suddenly change all of my habits, but clearly, I'm habitually wrong.

Things to report to people who actually care and check this website but I'm too hung over to call:

-- I am now a proud intern at National Geographic Adventure, where I utilize my time bidding on pajamas on ebay and masturbating with a Uniball under my desk
-- I'm the new cocktail honey at Barrage, firmly establishing my position as the biggest fag-hag in Manhattan
-- As a personal trainer I've become the breathing (hopefully not on others) example of what people should not do if they want to stay healthy and live past the age of 30
-- I skipped school and called out of work in my first week of doing both
-- I'm still single and occasionally make out with boys...if you're hot and wish to help me rectify this situation, then please email me
-- My sporadic syllabic whistle has now transformed into a cerebrovascular accident-like stutter

Re-reading the above list, I realize that almost every line starts with "I." Therefore, one thing definitely has not changed in my "new" year...everything is still about me.

Comments

[Tinny Titted Tinkler]

I am glad that you are putting my uniball masturbatory techniques to good use. Although, I do recommend a Bic or an extra wide sharpie (just make sure the cap is on)!

[Chef Pot Roast]

You're disturbed; simply and utterly disturbed! Now pass me that bottle of vodka! No, not that one, silly! The Grey Goose (hiccup), you twit! Or is that "(hiccough)"?