A few weeks ago me, Chad, Nick, Ron, and Pepper headed to the cultural mecca of Jackson, Jersey to see if we could give the little balding man in black-rimmed glasses who dances outside the gates of Six Flags a coronary, since his existence is truly unnecessary. We never did find him, however, I think I managed to give myself a mild infarct in the process.
Now I'm not faint of heart, but OH-MY-GOD, I think if my astounding abuse of alcohol hasn't ruptured the majority of my internal organs, than this little excurion of ours did the trick. Having never been on any large-scale roller coasters in my life, Chad thought it would be best to get my feet wet on Superman, a ride which locks in your torso, flips you so that your stomach is facing the ground (an attempt to emulate the sensation of flying, hence the name "Superman"), and then with jizmic force shoots you around loops, dips, and twists that redefine nauseating. The foam bubbling at the corners of my mouth was nothing in comparison to what was happening in my pants.
And I can only thank cosmic forces that Chad's suggestion for me, Ron, and Pepper to ride at the very front of Nitro were foiled due to line lengths and time constraints. I'm convinced we might've all died. No joke. Even though a rain storm cleared the park out to a certain degree, it was still fairly populated with the classy residents of rural Jersey. For this reason we're looking forward to returning on September 9th, which I portend will be a very 'gay day.' For in the twilight of dusk after the breeders disperse, the lights dim and the disco starts thumping, Great Adventure re-opens from 6 p.m. till 1 a.m. for alternative lifestyles. Though I'm fairly certain I still won't be able to stomach the ride-generated G-forces, at least I'll have some eye candy that might just hit the G-spot.
I just pray I don't become a retarded gay or seek out God on Sept. 9. Well, I will, of course, be seeking out A god. . . .
Posted by: Ron | July 12, 2005 at 04:23 PM